I need to get myself to the earlier stage of my life. To be productive and to be able to learn anything rapidly. I need to be more proud of myself entirely, yes, I’m a non-theist geek and a genius with borderline personality disorder. Yes, I’m proud of myself, my unique self 
Archive for the ‘Disorder’ Category
Regression
19
Aug
Fever-like
18
Aug
I’m not saying this with a any scientific proof. Everytime I use my brain intensely or when my emotional going unstable, my heart is beating faster than usual and my body temperature is raising. My eyes are feeling warm and I can feel my blood in my veins being pumped throughout my body.
Delusion
28
Jul
Recently I’ve been thinking and analyzing why I often forget something, which sometimes can be a very important thing. I always believe that my brain doesn’t easily forget anything once it has been processed. Now, this is not a scientific excuse, this is only what I’ve realized. I do not forget anything (mostly) but I’m having a difficulty to distinguish imagination from reality. With so many ideas, knowledges, fantasies and dreams inside my brain, now it’s hard for me to decide, to remember which one I really experienced and which one is not.
Knowing how my brain works, I suspect there’s a little failure in my brain everytime It tried to recall whatever happened in the past. Like it is confusedly building a memory blocks with the mixture of real experiences and imaginations. A simple example of the result would be like when I cannot remember what I said to someone in the past, because my brain failed to build a correct memory block and instead, it giving me a corrupted block which say, as example, the one who said that was someone else, but I was also there to listened or it was something written in a book which I also read.
In a worse scenario, I sometimes forgot something I have done. By confusing it with my imaginations, my ideas or even my dreams. Now, I hope this is just because a stress or because I’m too exhausted. For someone like me, short memory loss or failure in building memory block is so uncool.
Click
07
Jul
Something I read, something I saw, something I heard, triggered it.
I feel very angry, I feel very sad, I feel useless, I feel hopeless, I feel depressed, I feel frustrated.
I want to kill someone, I want to kill everyone, I want to be killed myself.
Stay calm, it’s only in our head.
Think like a whelp, think like a whelp.
Where’s that god damn cutter when I need it!
Phobia Pada Ular
26
Jun
Ophidiophobia atau Ophiophobia adalah suatu bentuk phobia pada ular. Berasal dari bahasa yunani “Ophis” artinya ular dan “Phobia” artinya ketakutan. Pengindap ophidiophobia memiliki ketakutan pada ular, tingkat ketakutan tentu tergantung dari seberapa parah phobia tersebut. Ada beberapa yang hanya takut saat ular tersebut nyata atau ada dihadapannya, pengidap yang lain mungkin bisa takut hanya dengan melihat pada gambar atau televisi atau bahkan membayangkannya!
Bentuk reaksi dari ketakutan itu bermacam-macam. Kebanyakan mungkin langsung menutup mata mereka dan badan otomatis kaku tidak bisa bergerak. Dalam kasus saya, reaksi yang terjadi (dilihat dari pengalaman) saya akan masuk ke kondisi “berserk”. Pernah suatu saat saya melemparkan monitor CRT 17 inchi pada teman saya yang menyodorkan ular kearah saya. Ular yang dia sodorkan saya bunuh sampe gepeng-gepeng dan dianya sendiri masuk rumah sakit akibat hantaman monitor yang saya lempar. Tapi bagaimanapun, saya ga merasa bersalah, karena saya udah pernah bilang kalo saya phobia ular 
Untuk sebagian orang mungkin lucu atau aneh liat ada orang dengan ketakutan berlebih pada sesuatu (coba kalo mereka liat teman saya yang phobia kupu-kupu, itu lebih aneh lagi!). Namanya phobia tetap phobia, ngga bisa dipaksa untuk sembuh dalam waktu yang cepat. Dan yang penting, phobia ngga boleh dibikin bahan lelucon (liat yang terjadi ama temen saya tadi). Jadi, sebaiknya lebih hati-hati dalam menangani orang yang memiliki phobia pada hal-hal tertentu.
The Downing Effect
10
Jun
The Downing Effect which was first noted by C. L. Downing simply say that the tendency of people with below average intelligence quotients (IQs) to overestimate their intelligence, and of people with above average intelligence to underestimate their intelligence. An individual’s predictable propensity to misjudge their own intelligence.
His studies also evidenced that an individual’s ability to estimate others’ intelligence accurately was proportional to their own intelligence. This means the lower the IQ score of an individual, the less capably he or she can appreciate and accurately appraise others’ intelligence. The lower someone’s IQ, the more likely one is to rate oneself as more intelligent than those around them. Conversely, people with a high IQ, while better at appraising others’ intelligence overall, are still likely to rate people of similar intelligence to themselves as having higher IQs.
Now I have a little understanding on what the person who took my dermatoglyphic multiple intelligence assessment test said that I have to give more understanding to most people who’s intelligence are inferior to mine. Yes, that’s because they will never understand me! I feel that’s quite unfair. I know life isn’t fair, but I always hope it will be unfair in my favor.
I’m not saying that I’m smart. If someone think that I’m smart, that’s irritating. They will need to reduce my IQ score by 20 points, only then I can be considered as smart.
Interaction Caution
03
May
When I say that I have a BPD, I don’t expect people to understand, I don’t expect them to care. But I do expect them to be aware and be more careful when they are interacting with me. Because I’m not people-friendly, and I might ended up ripping their body like I did to my own. If they do something funny which provoke my evil personality.
Update : Just found out, an article say that it’s a kind of non-delusional paranoia
Coping My BPD – Be Expressive
26
Apr
Today, I’m not hiding who I am from anyone. I know they can feel my rage, my anger, my hatred, my envy and my vengeance from the way the stare at me. Mostly, it seems like they hate me as well, fine.. bring it on, show me your anger at me, that’s exactly what I expect from you all, so you know how I feel
I’m creating a barrier between me and the world, just like when I was a kid. I talk only to person I feel comfort with, I listen to my iPod all the time and ignore every external sounds, noises, people chattering or laughing. I try not to see their faces, yes I hate human being! Basically human will only care to other people when they need something, so I’m doing the same thing. I reflect it back to them, the so-called normal people.
I’m experimenting here, I don’t know until when I will keep acting like this. But you know, hating other people is more fun than loving them. To be honest, I’m not trying to cope my BPD this way, I’m feeding it and let it grow. I’m just curious, how bad can I get if I don’t try to suppress my disorder
Coping my BPD – First Try
20
Apr
I read some articles on how to cope with BPD, many of them only tells something I already knew and some of them suggests something I don’t have access to such as psychotherapist, natural places or anything else I don’t have around me. But not all of them are useless thou, there are few things are suitable for me. This is the first day I really try to overcome myself.
- Ignore everyone, shutdown my messenger client (even my office messenger client) I’m trying to avoid any external factor which could tamper with my mood. But still, I can’t ignore everyone. Some people are just not ignorable. The words is “Stay Alone”.
- Check my heartbeat regularly. When it start increasing rapidly, it’s better to find something else to do physically like walk around the building, play games on play station or even just write useless thing on whiteboard. Only until my heartbeat goes back to normal, I’ll get back to my computer and continue my work. The words is “Stay Calm”.
- Try to keep my mind from wandering around. Try to stay at the present, right here, right now. When my mind starts wandering around, I will try to snap it back and feels the present moment and everything around me. The words is “Stay Conscious”.
It’s depressing and tiring. Even sometimes I felt like I am hostile to other people by doing this kind of things. Seeing people annoys me, but I couldn’t live alone like when I was a child anymore. So what I need to do is to cope this problem of mine completely.