Archive for April, 2010

Coping My BPD – Be Expressive

26 Apr

Today, I’m not hiding who I am from anyone. I know they can feel my rage, my anger, my hatred, my envy and my vengeance from the way the stare at me. Mostly, it seems like they hate me as well, fine.. bring it on, show me your anger at me, that’s exactly what I expect from you all, so you know how I feel happy

I’m creating a barrier between me and the world, just like when I was a kid. I talk  only to person I feel comfort with, I listen to my iPod all the time and ignore every external sounds, noises, people chattering or laughing. I try not to see their faces, yes I hate human being! Basically human will only care to other people when they need something, so I’m doing the same thing. I reflect it back to them, the so-called normal people.

I’m experimenting here, I don’t know until when I will keep acting like this. But you know, hating other people is more fun than loving them. To be honest, I’m not trying to cope my BPD this way, I’m feeding it and let it grow. I’m just curious, how bad can I get if I don’t try to suppress my disorder happy



Posted in Blog, Disorder


Coping my BPD – First Try

20 Apr

I read some articles on how to cope with BPD, many of them only tells something I already knew and some of them suggests something I don’t have access to such as psychotherapist, natural places or anything else I don’t have around me. But not all of them are useless thou, there are few things are suitable for me. This is the first day I really try to overcome myself.

  1. Ignore everyone, shutdown my messenger client (even my office messenger client) I’m trying to avoid any external factor which could tamper with my mood. But still, I can’t ignore everyone. Some people are just not ignorable. The words is “Stay Alone”.
  2. Check my heartbeat regularly. When it start increasing rapidly, it’s better to find something else to do physically like walk around the building, play games on play station or even just write useless thing on whiteboard. Only until my heartbeat goes back to normal, I’ll get back to my computer and continue my work. The words is “Stay Calm”.
  3. Try to keep my mind from wandering around. Try to stay at the present, right here, right now. When my mind starts wandering around, I will try to snap it back and feels the present moment and everything around me. The words is “Stay Conscious”.

It’s depressing and tiring. Even sometimes I felt like I am hostile to other people by doing this kind of things. Seeing people annoys me, but I couldn’t live alone like when I was a child anymore. So what I need to do is to cope this problem of mine completely.



Posted in Blog, Disorder


10 Healthy Coping Skills for Borderline Personality Disorder

15 Apr

When you are having an intense emotion, it can be hard to know what to do. Unfortunately, many people with BPD turn to unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to cope with emotional pain (e.g., self-harm, substance use, or aggression). Want to replace unhealthy habits with new, healthier skills? Try some of the coping skills listed below.

  1. Play Music. Play music that creates an emotion that is the opposite of the one you are struggling with. For example, if you are feeling very sad, play happy, upbeat music. If you are feeling anxious, play slow, relaxing music.
  2. Do something. Engage in a highly engaging activity. Television or computer activities do not count here — these are too passive. Instead, take a walk, dance, clean your house, or do some other activity that gets you engaged and distracts you from your current emotions.
  3. Call Someone. Reaching out to others can really help when you are struggling with strong emotions. Call a supportive friend or family member. If you don’t have someone in mind that is supportive, call a helpline (for example, in the U.S. you can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK).
  4. Pray. Are you a religious or spiritual person? If you are (or even if you’re not but have considered trying), praying can be tremendously helpful in times of extreme stress.
  5. Ride it out. The peak of most strong emotional reactions (and the urges to engage in harmful activities, like self-harming or drinking, that can go along with these reactions) last for a few minutes and then begin to subside. Grab an egg timer from the kitchen, and set it for 10 minutes. Wait the 10 minutes, and practice riding out the emotion.
  6. Be mindful. Practice mindfulness of your emotion. Notice the emotion you are having, and let yourself experience it as a wave, without trying to block it, suppress it, or hold on to it. Try to accept the emotion for what it is.
  7. Breathe deeply. Sit or lie somewhere quiet and bring your attention to your breathing. Breathe evenly, slowly, and deeply. Watch your stomach rise and fall with each breath.
  8. Take a warm bath or shower. Try to lose yourself in the sensations of the warm water, the smell of the soap, etc. Allow the sensations to distract you from the situation you are upset about.
  9. Ground yourself. When emotions seem to be taking you out of the current moment (e.g., you are starting to feel “zoned out” or can’t see anything else going on at the moment), do something to ground yourself. Grab an ice cube and hold it in your hand for a few moments, snap a rubber band against your wrist, “snap yourself back” into the moment.
  10. Help someone else. Do something nice for someone else. It doesn’t have to be something big; you can walk to the nearest store, buy a pack of gum, and give the cashier a smile and say “have a great day.” It may sound silly, but small gestures like this can really reduce emotional pain.

Source :

Linehan, MM. Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford: 1993.

Chapman, AL, and Gratz, KL. “The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide.” Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, November 2007.



Breaking The Glass

13 Apr

An autistic boy can’t stay in his world forever. When he is a grown up, he will be forced to break all the glass wall surrounding him and adapt in the outer world to survive. Unfortunately the real world is hostile for him, with a lack of communication and interpersonal skill, he is an alien in his own race. He broke the glass and wounded himself in the process.

One man has endured those terrible experience and live his so-called normal life, he is no longer an autistic boy like he used to be but he is not a normal person either. He turned himself from an autistic boy to a man with borderline personality disorder. Unsatisfied by the world who seems to neglect him, he starts to defy all rules, defy the world, and even to defy Gods. That man is me happy

There are three personality in me which I have to maintain and keep them in balance. The first personality is the one other people likes, a nice guy who works as an IT system engineer, has a small house and a small car who is trying to start his own business. Everybody likes him, even my parents loves him more than they loves me. The second one is totally destructive, he envy other people around him, consider vengeance as justice. Mentally unstable but he is the leader who always give the three of us hopes and spirit to survive.

I am the third personality in me which is less dominant compare to the other two. I’m the one who never care about the world, never want to talk to anyone, never want to wake up in the morning. The only thing you can see about me, is the scars on my body. I made all of them to control my other two personalities, and to remind the world that I’m still here and alive. That is how I express myself, that is my way to communicate in this hostile world I never wanted to live in.

Note : This writing is from the three of us



Posted in Blog, Personal